Jag har kämpat i så många krig
på så många fronter
slagits i så många slag
med ekvationen: ett slag
- en dag

jag har grävt mina skyttegravar
byggt mina barrikader
tapetserat väggarna
med råd från psykologer
och bitpacksedlar
till tre sorters medicin

det blir inga fredsförhandlingar
inga hemkomna soldater
marscherar på gatorna

jag är ensam i mitt krig
soldat, civil och general
och på slagfältet
ensam kvar



inga krigshistoriker
kommer skriva om detta slag
det är bara ytterligare en dag..

.
.



10112009

ljudet av knarrande sulor
på väntrumsgolv
blekgula väggar
och hänt extra från 2002

16112009

Hälfen av oss går på prozac
resten går på cipramil
men vi har stor stark och vi har vin
vi har älskarinnor och vi har knull
vi har allt som det krävs
för att få livet att gå runt


..


I came here to surreneder
yes, I came here to give in
there are many excuses for this
but not one I believe in
you see, I wasn't struck
by some lightning of love

you are not the hawk
I'm not the dove..

I've slept in first class linen
and I've slept in my clothes

I've slept with people I can't name
and a few I wrote whole poems..

I've always tried to give my soul
but end up just trowing away my clothes

I've always tried to keep an open mind
atleast I keep my legs wide open all the time..

everytime I try to be true
I find my body a far easier tool

everytime I try to make it real
I prefer to have my skin, not my soul
revealed

all vill vi vara
rockens självmord nummer ett
vi är barn av våran tid
lillesystrar åt generation X
men femton minuter
i rampljuset
betyder sju minter reklam

---

Jag lämnar sällskapet och går med bestämda steg
bort från tomboys och jailbait-queers
bort från ftm:s och hemtryckta zines

det är sent, ja, vi kommer säkert att ses
nästa gång vi rör oss bland de som ler som oss
nästa gång vi möts bland de som förrut utstöts

tills nästa gång är jag på väg
med asfalt under converse-kopior och historian framför mig
detta är jag och världen i konstant gerillakrig

jag är förklädd här ute hos er
förklädd bland par som stirrar in i
skyltfönstret på granit

förklädd bland cyklister i kjol
under en belysning av reklamskyltar
och ett soundtrack av skateboardhjul

bara takten i mina steg förråder mig
en kod, som går rakt över gatan
där en okänd kvinna ler

det är vår kod - er hemlighet
det är inte vi som döljer
- det är ni som inte ser

detta är inte min förklädnad
- det är er

all konst är fejk
ovansett hur realistiskt man målar en klocka
kommer den inte hålla en vaken på natten
med sitt tickande.

.............


Min syster har en intellektuell romans. De dricker kaffe, cola, öl, och de samtalar. Där är diskussionerna förspelet. Nyfödda insider-skämt en afrodisiaka

Jag vill ha en konstnärlig romans,
men talar man om konst blir det intellektuellt.
Det är inte en sån affär jag vill ha.
Jag vill ha Gustav Klimts guldfärg och Frida Kahlos nålar i min säng.
Nils Ferlins takt och Courtney Loves poesi mellan mina lakan.

.................

I'm butch and in the goddess I do trust
I'm femme, with a good eye to all women
I'm a punk, a motherfuckin' cunt
I'm a rocker, with change for a beer in my pocket
I'm emo, I'm the big bad homo
I'm so indie, I'm mahatma fuckin' gandhi
I'm a freak, I'm all but unique
I'm a dyke, I'm whatever you don't like
I'm a lesbian, I'm the big bad truck
and you're a pedestrian out of luck

soundtrack: poison girls - state control and rock n' roll

State control and rock and roll
Are run by clever men
What they sell is selling very well
And the price is up again

you don't need the eyeliner
or the razorblade
you don't need the lipgloss
or the dark shades
you just need you
you don't need to go on a diet
you need to join in the riot
you don't even need the tattoos
you just need you

State control and rock and roll
Are run by clever men
Politics are ultra chic
And wars are in again

you don't need to feed the rich
you need to feed yourself
with attitude, you need to throw a fit
this is not the time to be a bitch
no, this is the time to be THE bitch
you don't need their aproval
you just need you

State control and rock and roll
Are run by clever men
It's all good for business
They're in the charts again - and again

women, this time you wear the boxershorts
and guys, go for the thongs and fishnet
pull your records of the internet
the rocord companies don't need your support
no you don't need to follow the latest trend
you don't need all that money to spend
you just need you

It's a vicious circle try and break loose
Break out of the trap
Get out of the noose
You know it's true but what can you do
Cos what you're feeling
Is a human being
Not this year's thing or last year's thing
This year's thing or next year's thing...
State control and rock and roll
Are run by clever men
It's all good for business!

State control and rock and roll
Are run by clever men
And anarchy is this year's thing...

soundtrack: concrete blonde - joey

it's not that
I'm ungrateful
I know I'm
a handful
I want you to know, dear
this time there
is no fear

a future
wide open
a past we
must cope with

a future
open wide
a past we
must put aside

and I want you to feel
though we both bleed
there was a point to trying
there will come a point
when we're through crying

I never took you
for granted
though at first I
felt disenchanted
please forgive
my bluntness
I was on a high
of self-righteousness

and though sometimes,
I still feel bitter and blue
I'm fighting hard to see the sun
and I hope it shines on you too

so I wrote these lines for you
so that you could read inbetween
how I feel

I wrote this lines for you
so that you would know, dear
this time there is no fear

I have been the crutches to a woman
who could walk well on her own
She was beating a horse
I never saw breathe or move at all

I have been digging my own grave
with my shovel of regrets and could have:s
and now my back is broken
and I'm too deep to get up

I have been worshiping the gods or nothing
up and down the streets of this town
pleanty of beer and alcohol
cigarettes and want for company

I have been praying in late night curches
and tempels in disguise
sacrificing both sanity and peace of mine
for some crutches at my hand

*******

look at me juggling
with so many personalities
I'm the arty party brat
and the beer drinking boi
I have so many clever monologues
memorized in my head
and you know
the only point to all of this
is to make you
want me to wake up in your bed
I have rehearsed so many tricks
get your hands up and applaud me
I'm the perfect drug
I'm morally appalling
come on and get your fix
show me why it should be you
to use me


*****

it's the end of another friday night
and look at how what you started ended up
there goes the girls
with holes in their pantyhoes
look at the cooky boys
wondering if they've had to much
to get it up
oh, the excitement of the 2 am buss
see the fifteen yr olds
who've not yet learnd how to play sober
look at the buisness woman
I bet she started out really proper

and if they'd try
I'm sure they could see
we're just extras in this
(or anyother) city

this is the story
of use or be used
competing for the glory
of who gets the last screw

you're one big mindfuck
my soul is a whore
there's no one to suck
the poison from my soul's core

cause when all is said and done
none of us are saints or saviours
we both used and was used
(your abuse is still my favorite flavour)

Det är någon som borde finnas här,
men det är med kärleken som med livet,
tillslut finns inget kvar att ta för givet.
Så säg; man lever och lär,
den som lever får se.
Ryck på axlarna
och säg; det är som det är.

Det är bara charader,
men jag kan lura mig ett tag.
Det är bara charader,
men det är livet över lag.

Bloody joke

Young people must die
For the sake of the nation
let's cheer for death
In the name of liberation
Like teenage angst
In suicide frustration

I'll know what you'll say
It's all in the packeting
What you need is bigger guns
-better marketing
This time you're sure
You'll hit what you're targeting

But to claim war can be with washed is fucking sacrilege

The truth is dead
I see the children poking it with sticks
Reading the news
I can't see the forest for all the tricks
And no one knows how to defuse
The bomb you've linked to our collective fear
You're the War's marketeer
and Death's puppeteer

I wish you'd feel for yourself how napalm licks


Getting in to your porsche
You ripe what you've killed
What the hell can I do
You're all too skilled
Going after you
Is like trying to punch smoke

but as far as I am concerned

you're still the punch line to this bloodstained joke

Jag saknar det fejkade jag:et.
När allt var image,
och allt var möjligt.
En ny människa varje dag,
personligheten kommer nog snart.
Verkligheten är subjektiv.
Sanningen är relativ,
och har aldrig tjänat mig bra.
Ärlighet varar inte längst.
Det bara känns så,
när glittret tvättats ur,
dras tiden ut.

En öl (stor stark/spendrups?)
Ett bord,
Två block
(- ett halvfullt
- ett halvtomt.)
fyra (icke fungerande) bläckpennor,
en blyertspenna.
En (alldeles för kall) jacka
En huvtröja.
Ett par jeans (slitna).
Ett par skor
(- ett hål i en häl.)
Ett flertal (dåliga) dikter.
En öl till.

En kväll.

it was a nice funeral
the flowers were pretty and walking up to the coffin
she made a scene like you wouldn't believe
it was a nice funeral
I should be burried more often

mixed messages is her speciality
she ate the cake
there's nothing left to keep
she says it was all fake
but now she's lonely
and she doesn't want to be
she calls me up again
that's twice today
am I bleeding
am I looking for someone new?
is what she want to say
I think 'no pain, no gain'
and hang up the phone
look how the plants have grown
the bitterness I planted in the snow
but I've decided to be strong
and this is the time for moving on
when spring is here
a new dawn will appear.



-
did you call to have me comfort you
or to see if I felt as bad as you
did you call to pick a fight
or just to kill some time
did you call me to be kind
or to shelter me from the light
did you call to have me comfort you
or to make sure I'm worse off than you?
-

stop calling
quit stalling
it's time to go our seperate ways
I'm breaking through
I'm done with you
being done with me
is it really that hard to see?
get out of my mind
you may not like what you'll find
you made your decision
now let me move on
I'm on a one woman mission
so I've got to be strong
I no longer believe
the end of you is the end of me
so stop calling
quit stalling
it's time to go our seperate ways
besides, I'm runing out of nice things to say

This is not the time for thinking
Keep busy or start sinking
Refurnish the living room
Reorganize the bookshelf
Rearange myself
Burn down our bedroom
Keep the bitterness to a minimum

This is not the time for thinking
Keep busy and start breathing

en till

jag träffade ditt ex idag
på tunnelbanan på vägen hem
hon förstod och undrade hur allting var
jag sa att jag borde nog ha sett det komma
att gå från den enda till en av många

jag ringde upp mitt ex idag
efter att jag hade kommit hem
hon förstod och undrade hur allting var
sen sa hon att hon borde ha sett det komma
när hon gick från den enda till en av många

så jag ringde upp dig idag
och när du frågade hur allting var
sa jag att jag nu förstår begreppet karma
i den här världen är vi alla den enda
och för de flesta bara en av många

All of Me

I gave you all of me
now I just wish you'd leave me a note
telling me it will be alright
but we'll never wake up on the other side
of this, the longest night
i can't see how life will be now
but I know from expreience
time will just keep passing by
I really wish you'd give me a call
so I can ask you all the questions
that have no answers in this world
now I'll be just another one
I know and I understand
I really held you close
and I did know you
you sat through this lesson
and now you're out of the other side
i understand, I was just another one
I know you'll find your way through
back to where it all begins again, sometime
with someone else, and I'm sure she'll understand
when you go through to the other side
of another lesson learnt
I really did know you
and I gave you all I knew







bitter version after nine:

you took all of me, all I had
and I gave it all away, everytime
I fought in all of your fights
I held you through your every darkest nights
but it wasn't enough
oh, that's just too though
guess I got in the way of your line of flight
and now all my efforts useless
I thought we were in love
but it was just hell in a fancy dress
I'm watching the fat lady sing
and the bitterness stings
as I take of the engegemant ring